Good-bye

The mind has a tendency--
when not properly looked after--
to make decisions
you may or may not be aware of it having
made.

What you have to look for,
and believe me I’m not trying
to tell you how to
live your life, are the briefest breaks
in your

consciousness:

those seemingly throw-away decisions
you might even audibly deny to yourself
are decision that have already been
decided.

It is possible to overcome--
with the caveat of extremely hard
work—these pre-fab
decisions, but it is rare to want to work that
hard.

Seeking in the unfortunate depths of my soul
for what I know is never going to be where I’m
looking seems seemingly psychotic, hey?

And yet I’m a moth.

Trite expressions still mean something sometimes,
don’t they?

At the very least they did,
and oughtn’t we acclaim where
acclaim is due?

The fact of the matter is that I know now
no, not now,
right now,
what is going to happen to me.

Is it magic?
A crystal ball?
Taro?

How can you know?

A) Generally speaking
B) An understanding of human desire
C) An understanding of my desire

You see
it IS desire that drives us.

What’s hard
is knowing what we ought

to desire.

At any rate:
Go.
We usually get what we really, deeply want
(we even work for it subconsciously).
Anonymity – in a sense.

Oh to seek for life in the act of living is insanity.
Oh it’s there.
Oh it’s beautiful.
Oh it’s invisible.
Oh it’s tangible.

But one ought never to seek out life:
the living of life is enough,
and one ought to be joyous in doing
simply that.

We are all built to fail eventually.
In a way I’m waiting for eventuality,
working as earnestly as possible
to avoid the most probable possibilities,
and loving consistently.

But always sneaking into my mind
are notions of intellectual freedom
available to the seeker who seeks
them far from the madding crowd.

Bring your Change!

First… go here:
Themindofeli.blogspot.com

Until April 29th
Do something besides
Grouse about your change.

Save it up.
Put it in a can,
an upside down cap,
a cup,
or anything accessible
and easy to remember.

Then, fill it up.

THAT STEP IS
CRUCIAL!

So,
I’ll say it louder:

FILL IT UP!

Next, email

changesated@live.com

and arrangements will be made for pickup and/or drop-off
(again: on or before April 29th).

Finally,

on April 30th
come to a bash,
a party,
a wild shindig

(directions to which are available).

It will be the unveiling of the band:
Myself and another cohort
Rock and roll
With drums
And an acoustic
Electric lead rhythm:

We are:

BJ and the Buffalo or the 40% Dolomite.

There will be ping pong,
Pub style darts,
Movies,
And
General
Jocularity with
Side doses of hilarity for

A kick.

Also music.
Also the unveiling of plan.
Also much, much more.

We leave May 1st.

Participate in something larger than yourself.
I am, at 6’4” and 300, after all, probably larger
than you—at least from a purely physical standpoint.
So, what I’m asking is that you participate in me.
I want to give you some of my joyous madness.

All of my friends are mad,
finest kind.

But I’ve never felt quite this strongly about anything ever.

Please feel free to email

changesated@live.com

I can give you more details there about the scope.

I send out my love to the universe.

May all beings be happy.

Thanks in advance for all you’re(ve) [going to {do}](done).

Composed for Father’s Fifty-First

Dearest Dad.

Well, we know
that I’ve got next
to no money,

and you,
well,
you seem to have
most of what you want.

So,
my words are
points of soul
reaching out
to you
with,
perhaps,
a love
that brings
together
friendship
family
and the kind of
inseparable love
that comes from
experiencing life
together.

I want you to
know I love you
come hell AND
high water,

and I feel a great
peace with you
right now
that
is perhaps the
most tender
I’ve ever
had.

Happy birthday dad.

Timeline

of my life
(Part I).

I’ve not made one of these
ever,
but my memory seems to be
malfunctioning,
and it would seem that the time
has come.

November 30, 1983: I am born in Lee’s Summit, Missouri
(You might not believe this,
but I don’t remember a whole lot
for the first couple of years of my life,
so…)
For the next couple of years I appear to have wandered the
Midwestern plains with my family—Arkansas and Missouri
specifically.
Eventually, in my early childhood, we landed at:
1132 NE 52nd Terr, Kansas City, Missouri
where I attended Davidson Elementary School and
Eastgate Middle School.

1996: the most notable event is moving slightly farther north to
10304 N. Baltimore, Kansas City, Missouri

(I want it noted here that all throughout my childhood we took a string of family vacations and wrestling trips that took me to most of the lower 48.)

For the next few years I wrestled—a lot and with some success (3rd place at state my junior year), met my best friend Agent X, and met my first girlfriend. I also went on a wrestling trip during the summer of my sophomore year to Bulgaria, France and Italy where we were escorted by “George.” Two stories about that: 1st – I got food poisoning and missed a couple of vacation days on the Mediterranean because I was vomiting. 2nd – One day, we noticed a sticker on George’s Bodyguard’s car. “What’s that sticker mean Ivan?” Deep in thought for a second, he said after his pause, “If someone, not us, touch this car… the, uh, doctor… writes them a prescription.” Beautiful country, Bulgaria. The cities are grimy, but the country is stunning. Also, I bought a porno in Nice that starred Ron Jeremy, then enjoyed a meal by the sea.


2000: a knee surgery which effectively ended my hardcore wrestling career and opened the door to a hardcore life.

2001: Went to the University of Nebraska at Lincoln to study biology and become a neurosurgeon. Transferred after one year.

2002: Simpson College to study English and wrestle passively.

2004: Study abroad in Chirstchurch, New Zealand for one academic year. I was there for a year. I studied at the Christchurch College of Education. I had to homes: one in Shirley and one in Burnside. I met a Korean student (a twelve-year-old who consistently beat me at chess) named Kim Dong-Hi in Burnside. In Shirley I met the people who would become an adopted family to me. This was a big year, obviously. I went mountain climbing for the first time. I went hitchhiking for the first time. I got lost in the mountains for the first time. I climbed a glacier with Agent X—who had come to see me for his birthday. I went bungee jumping. I worked for a temp agency and laid Astroturf, re-worked grocery stores, and held the position of quality control agent for a plastics factory. I went tramping about as much as I could. The Abel-Tasman trail (the five day version) I did with my pack AND my guitar. Herbals and nights out that lasted until 9am with the mates, the stay culminated with a naked party in the back of our house. It wasn’t an orgy. We were just so comfortable that it didn’t really matter. We all cried at the airport.

After New Zealand I went on a small vacation to Australia and Fiji to celebrate my 21st birthday. In Australia (Sydney) I met a girl who would affect my life. We emailed for four years before seeing each other again. She’s Italian. She lives in London. She’s a doctor. She’s married to my best friend.

I went to Surfer’s Paradise and celebrated my 21st birthday in an Australian Time Share. I had a box of wine, a joint, the world darts championships, and a meat pie that I’d had the kitchen warm up for me.

On Fiji I bought some sustenance then headed out to a tropical island for three days. I ate fruit, wandered around, and generally lazed on the beach for three days drinking kava and smoking ganja—apparently that’s what one does in Fiji.

I finished my degree in English from Simpson College in the summer of 2005. In January of 2006 I started at St. John’s University studying for my Master’s Degree in English. I had a part-time job at The Container Store, and the same girlfriend from 2000-2001. I wrote "My mind at 23: confessions of a doddering sophomore" during the winder break of the 07-08 school year.

In May of 2007, I graduated from St. John’s University with my MA--wrote my thesis on Hunter S. Thompson, situating him both inside and outside the school of "New Journalism." Instead of pursuing something else academic, I decided to make my part time job full time and entered the workforce as an overnight supervisor at The Container Store.

Important note: it was during the fall of 2008 that my Italian friend who lives in England came to see me and fell in love with my roommate—who was a friend of mine from wrestling in high school who had come to NYC to fill up a room for us...

Continued at: http://themindofeli.blogspot.com

Title-less

What words come
when waters
whine
and alliteration
composes its self?

Thirst, you dogs.
Enjoy your thirst.

Un-slake-able
tends toward
terrorizing, and
unquenchable
leans
unquestionably.

But time and tide
reigns and rolls
respectively,
so consider
yourself as “having
once already been
warned.”

Collect without
malice the timber
of continence—
it will serve you well—
and gather with
exultation remonstrations
of quality.

A Revelation

To discuss for a moment the ten-fold:

When we find two related somethings, but one
requires ten times the time to accomplish as the other,
what strikes us is of course the precision.

I suppose that with averages
we’re constantly dealing with an imprecise
science;

however, the precision hides
in the ability of the thing to have something
like an

average—measurability
as quality.

For the work I do--
and perhaps the particular work of the moment--
is always divided
into two: reception and creation, and the latter
tends to take ten
times the time as the former.

For something that ought to be obvious at the outset,
you may or may not be surprised to find out that
that little tidbit—that’d been hanging, ripe above
my head—floored me. What a stat.

What could be more precious than it?
What could be more imaginary?
What could be more in my mind?
What could be less?
What could it be used to do?
What could you be if you knew of
its mysteries combined with knowledge
of quality?

Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate.
There is no reason not to.

Indecisive Meta-commentary

Perhaps the greatest (drive)←change word?
of a human being (human’s being?)
is to put yourself (or one’s self),
all of yourself--and that includes your spirit/soul/eternity—
into some thing (a physical entity of some kind).

That’s what lives on forever.
Whether it be a child you’ve raised
(biologically the easiest and thus, probably,
why it is the most prevalent),
or something you’ve created (a book written, a painting painted,
or a company built),
the unwritten principles of humanity dictate:

Thou shalt make every attempt—do what you can—
to make humanity better—at the universal level—by
making something of lasting value—
discuss amongst your selves (selfs) what value and quality
mean.

Eruption

My path
Is, always has been,
And
Always will be
To be
Different.

Dissuasion,
Try as it might,
Is futile
At best.

Because now is the time to write.
Because now is the time to make meaning.
Because now is always the time.
Because the time is never now.
Because,
Otherwise,
When else are you going to do it?

The past looms up
Large
In unexpected moments,
And we can’t help but be
Transported
To all those feelings,
All that time,
That reality,
That mind
That no longer is,
But rather was.

And we think of it fondly
In its perpetual difference from now:
Sometimes pining for
And sometimes railing against
It.

To all the words that floated away,
My deepest,
Humblest
Apologies.

Dedicated to Absence

It hurts.
It’s like a gnawing.
Or a pain that seems to center itself right over your heart.
It’s a bit like the worst case of heartburn ever.
It’s a bit like your big toe wishing it would just fall off your foot,
And doing everything it can
To make this come to pass.

Caution.
Caution be damned.
There’s no reason to say “from here on out,” because we
Both know it’s bullshit, so what we’ll try to say
And what we’ll try to be is something, somebody worthy of the title
Of human. But when that
Fails, what do we do then?

Whereas society has caused us to come to loathe or own education;
Whereas society has given us roads but no motivation to travel them;
Whereas freedom in this society is a kind of enslavement;
Whereas it is absolutely simple to make someone look at you like a madman;
Whereas we wander slowly (sometimes quickly) away from our own ideals;
Whereas “Fuck you!”;
Whereas I don’t care about my credit rating;
Whereas I’m done caring about whether or not others care;
Whereas there is very little left to say;
Whereas you probably don’t want to hear me say it;
Whereas I will be called un-American/communist/socialist;
Whereas I don’t give a rat’s ass when people improperly use their own language;
Whereas the previous whereas is a rather serious lie;
Whereas it hurts me to see what’s become of such a proud species;
Whereas it appalls me to see what’s become of such a proud species;
Whereas we ought to know better;
Whereas you don’t understand;
Whereas you can’t understand as a result of you being you and me I;
Whereas I can feel the blood pumping through my brain;
Whereas I dislike/HATE television;
Whereas there is almost nothing left to do or say;
Whereas I have been all over and seen and done much research;
Whereas the time has come for a new movement;
Whereas I would like to be thrown in jail to mooch off the taxpayer’s money;
Whereas American culture is vacuous;
Whereas Western culture is insipid;
Whereas Human culture is dead;

I hereby declare my independence from the human race.
I hereby declare that I will be honest to the best of my ability.
I hereby declare that I will be as faithful as my humanity allows.
I hereby declare that truthfulness will guide my actions in as many venues as possible.
I hereby declare my inevitable failure.
I hereby declare my intention to continually try.
I hereby declare my hatred for the television culture that has gripped the species.
I hereby declare that what you’ll get from me is nothing but me.
I hereby declare that if you ask me honestly, you’ll get an honest answer.
I hereby declare my intention to work hard.
I hereby declare my intention to love my family, whoever they turn out to be.
I hereby declare that money has no real value: it’s all imaginary.
I hereby declare that a characteristic of imaginary value is appearing truly important.

I’m full of shit.
I’m as trapped as we all are.
You know you’re trapped right?
No escaping it.

To end it all would be a wild ride.
Imagine the mindset
That allows for that kind of decision.
It’d have to be ferocious.

There is no way to win, but not because of what you’re thinking.
There is no way to win because life is not a competition.
That’s the nut.
That’s why bringing business into the spiritual side of humanity
Was simultaneously the nailing down of the coffin lid.
Fuck business.

My mom once told me that the goal of working
Was to give me more free time.
Imagine that: working in order to have time to do something else.

It’s all backwards.
Anybody with eyes can see it is.
And yet nobody cares.
Good-bye.
Fuck you in the nicest, gentlest, lovingest way.
You made of me a hard heart.
I go out no wiser, harder, and more prepared to deal
With the unending crap that’s
The inevitable result of simply being alive.

What ever happened to love?
Where’d it go?
Did it ever really matter?

We feel things all the more when we know they are
being somewhere else (even if it's perhaps).